Life is what happens while you’re trying not to get hit on the head by a Soviet spaceship. For as long as I can remember, countless pieces of communist space junk have been crashing back to Earth — either because even Martians can’t stand them or because it’s God’s reminder that communism never works. This spacecraft is set to crash sometime between today and May 13, and it’d be a terrible symbol if it fell on the 13th, the day of Our Lady of Fatima.
Let’s not forget that her apparitions to the three shepherd children were the most serious supernatural warning modern man has received about the dangers of communism, especially Soviet communism. In response, John Paul II, fulfilling Our Mother’s wishes, consecrated Russia to the Immaculate Heart of Mary to counter the godless totalitarianism of those revolutionary savages.
I’m writing these lines with one eye on the sky because the Kosmos 482 spacecraft is hours away from entering the atmosphere. With the lousy week I’ve had, it wouldn’t surprise me if I’ve been given a front-row ticket to watch it land on my desk, slicing off my hands and leaving me to make a living typing with my nose — I’ll leave it at that in case there are children reading.
This spacecraft launched toward Venus in 1972, and it’s mind-boggling that, over 50 years later, it’s back, with no way to predict where the hell it’ll crash. Probably because the engineers who sent it up are in worse condition than Lenin’s corpse on a summer afternoon with a broken AC.
But maybe it’s not that surprising. We’re still suffering communism’s consequences across the board. I’m not just talking about the toxic cores of China, Cuba, or North Korea. Just take a look at Western universities, where all the communist theorists survived the fall of the Berlin Wall by hiding like rats among books, often drawing cushy state salaries in obscure departments with degrees as absurd as they are irrelevant. They only poke their noses out when there’s a rally for Palestinian terrorism — you know, communist causes always involve misery, terrorism, and the death of innocent people.
I read there are about 20,000 abandoned objects in space, all as big or bigger than my liver, orbiting Earth, deciding when to drop in for a visit. Many, maybe most, are from the Soviet era, when communism wasn’t “green” and loved launching trash into space, probably thinking Mom would sweep it up later.
This space junk zips around at speeds up to 17,000 miles per hour, almost as fast as TikTok spreads stupidity worldwide. Worried about dodging something coming that fast, I called my go-to physicist to ask what we can do to avoid getting crushed by the wreckage of a villainous, failed political system. His suggestions didn’t exactly calm me down. First, he said the safest bet, moments before impact, is to pray.
Second, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. When you see it coming, he suggests turning your back to it, crouching slightly, hands together, arms extended forward, and butt up in the air. The idea is, since the impact’s gonna be massive, you might as well use the momentum to see the world — it’s not every day you get a free international trip. Strap a GoPro to your forehead, and your YouTube channel will break records when you stream it, assuming the camera’s chips don’t end up melted in a bubbling mess of unidentifiable bones and cartilage.
It never ceases to amaze me how much the left frets about Earth’s temperature a hundred years from now — when we can’t even nail tomorrow’s weather forecast — yet how little these postmodern proto-communists care about real danger, like the damn Kosmos 482 knocking your teeth out on a sunny Saturday morning.
Thank goodness we’ve got a pope, and with Leo XIV, it seems the Holy Spirit’s back in charge. The communist forces won’t prevail. And neither will their junk.
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