They’re predicting days of extreme heat back home, and I know what’s coming. As a writer, my calling is to focus on what’s truly important for world peace, so I want to head off the disaster and make things clear from the start: I’m a staunch advocate for keeping everyone’s feet — including the toes — covered at all times.
Showing your toes to the world is a sign of sociopathy, filth, and an obvious sympathy for ISIS.
The mere sight of another man’s toes is as repulsive to me as any spider — and that’s saying something for an arachnophobe like me, who faints at the sight of those hairy critters dragging their bad vibes around. Last night, I saw one in my room and let out such a massive scream that it dropped dead of a heart attack on the spot. Naturally, I didn’t perform an autopsy, but that distinctive folding of the legs, like an umbrella folding in slow motion, is a clear sign of a spider heart attack.
Now the so-called science experts in dumb newspapers are saying we should go barefoot. I think I preferred it when they were telling us to start eating insects because they’re packed with protein and it would save a bunch of cows. I’m not totally against it. I’ll jump on board as soon as someone figures out how to make a tasty Big Mac with mosquito meat.
As Gómez Dávila wrote, civilization is about dressing up, not stripping off, and this applies especially to feet. Showing your toes to the world is a sign of sociopathy, filth, and an obvious sympathy for ISIS. I’ve got nothing against those poised, stylish young women who wear elegant sandals with grace, but beyond that, subjecting passersby to the intimidating presence of bouncing toes should be outlawed.
Of all the horrible things feet suggest, the worst isn’t their smell — it’s the dull sight of those evolutionary missteps we call toes. Without toes, a foot looks even more grotesque, so chopping them off isn’t the answer, especially since doctors say you can’t walk without them. Personally, I disagree: I often leave my toes at home and don’t fall over, but I always make sure to stuff my feet into shoes before stepping onto that hostile, dangerous thing we call a sidewalk.
Besides the quality of good wine, the big toe is what keeps the human body stable. That chubby little guy is responsible for our balance, even during those drunken moments when the Earth decides to spin just for the fun of seeing how many idiots it can knock over. You get back up, of course — that’s what toes are for too — but all those balancing operations can happen just fine with your feet covered, without needing to broadcast your solidarity with indigenous communities. Preserving their culture is vital for any advanced society, but airing your feet in the middle of the street is a shady, dangerous act that clashes with good manners, most holy scriptures, and Western values.
I read in the health columns that experts are now insisting it’s time to go barefoot, claiming it’s good for our health. They suggest starting at home and then making it a day long habit. I’m ready to bet soon these same experts will discover that rubbing two stones together makes fire, that a drumbeat can communicate with tribes across the river, and they’ll figure out how to make a spear from mammoth bones. Then we’ll all be ready to dance naked to summon rain, duel with sharpened sticks bare-chested, and eat the losers. At least it’ll be entertaining.
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