Good morning, kids. Without wanting to cramp your creativity, I’m asking for a little quiet. And for those of you smoking weed — please remember the anti-smoking law: either head out to the garden, or at least, between hits, say a little prayer to Mother Earth.
Grab a desk — unless, of course, you woke up this morning identifying as a streetlamp. In that case, feel free to stand in any corner, as long as it’s not already taken by someone who yesterday identified as a corner flag.
Before we start, if anyone here dreams of being a teacher today — and wishes it really, really hard, like Paulo Coelho suggests — I wouldn’t want to crush your dream. If that’s the case, I’ll take your seat and you can run the lesson. Just please, not another lecture on “Ancient customs of the Yomanuti tribe, who show affection by hanging teachers upside-down.” My ribs still haven’t forgiven you.
No takers? Fine. Open your books to page 10 — unless you’d rather prove your anti-system cred by opening straight to page 17, where the lesson ends.
Today we’re tackling the eight times table. I’ll write it on the board — What? Excuse me, the student who just shouted the homophobic slur, please come up front and explain to us why you hate gay people. And to start rooting out such backward fascist baggage, everyone will now write down the name of a same-sex classmate you like the most. But first, confirm with them that they still identify with the same gender they had yesterday — because if yesterday’s boy is today a girl, we’d have a textbook case of harassment, which means an automatic F in Gender-Aware Mathematics. (RELATED: Opt Out of Gender Propaganda)
At the end of class, among all the budding gay couples, we’ll raffle off a trip for two to a Thai sauna. It’s part of our “Open and Tolerant Sexual Practices for Ages 0–6” program, under the national anti-school failure initiative titled Learn to Play Your Flute. (RELATED: The Future Left the Group: Education, Culture, and Values)
Now, back to business. The eight times table is, without question, one of the worst relics of mathematical fascism in history. The Pythagoreans — Greeks who probably would’ve voted for Trump — called eight the Great Tetrakis, symbol of things that don’t change. That makes it a very, very, very reactionary number. You know what? Forget the eights. It won’t be on the test. Fascism must be fought to the death.
Let’s skip to the nines. Nine times one is nine, nine times two is — What? Oh, very cute. The student who made the rhyme about “phalocratic oscillatory movement,” please head straight to the Patriarchy Terrorist Correctional Facility. Castration, our signature treatment, sharpens the verse of bad poets and eradicates fascism right at its source — which, according to Chinese university studies, is mostly concentrated in the testicles.
Moving on. Nine’s a fine number, but it lacks sexual diversity. To fix that historic injustice, we’re going to call it “she-nine” or “female nine.” From now on, anyone who uses the masculine form will be punished by memorizing the complete works of Judith Butler. What’s that? You’d rather go to the Patriarchy Terrorist Correctional Facility? I’ll be sure to inform the Observatory Against Verbal Violence of the Patriarchy.
Let’s review the nine times table — but only “9×1” will be on the test, because here at this school, we don’t want to leave anyone behind. So: what’s “9×1”? Nine? Absolutely not. I will not tolerate such rigid, reactionary thinking in my classroom. Why can’t “9×1” be whatever one feels it should be? Who are we to say someone’s multiplying “wrong”? Why not 300? Or 12? We’ve got a lot of work to do in this country…
Before we wrap up: tomorrow you’ll have homework. On the sheet I’ve handed out, you’ll find my official apology for assigning homework, a pledge of penance to Mother Nature for using non-recycled paper, and a child-labor waiver to be signed by your parents — or whatever guardians you have — labeled Parent A and Parent B. If you have a Parent C, come to my office for the special forms.
As for the math exercise: solve this problem related to today’s lesson — “Sexual positions that end in nine. Explain your reasoning.” Submissions may be in TikTok format, as usual.
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