Neglectful Danish greenies underutilized Greenland’s abundant resources. Yet, in response to President Trump’s overtures to acquire the world’s biggest island, Denmark is demonstrating Chinese-like petulance, albeit in a more humorous way. (The Chinese are not renowned for their funny bones. More on them in a moment…)
Danish humor, by contrast, is dry and sarcastic, which might be the underpinning of their “Denmarkification” petition. Effective April 15, around 270,000 people have signed the petition, titled “Let’s Buy California from Trump — Denmark’s Next Big Adventure.” It’s definitely part of their cultural zeitgeist to make fun of something they’re not happy about — that’d be America annexing Greenland.
Nevertheless, as if predetermined by the Norse gods, Greenland’s destiny away from “Denmarkification” and toward Americanization seems to be unfolding inexorably. It’s time to demark Denmark.
Buying California is clearly an absurd joke. While Danish sense of humor often does not play well with foreigners, let’s indulge them. Let’s play their whimsical game. Not that they warrant it, but what can we offer Denmark to sweeten the deal for Greenland?
Though it’s tempting, not California. There is some conjecture it may become increasingly more Republican, so, let’s not give up hope for the once Golden State if those republicans are actually commonsense conservatives. Besides, while their left coast is lost, their extensive central valley is very fertile. Additionally, California is home to the “the only large-scale rare-earth element mine in the Western Hemisphere.” That’s crucial, not only to our fancy modern products, but also national security given China’s rare earth export restrictions.
Given Denmark’s longing for California, we can offer them sister city status with its two renowned cities. Los Angeles and San Francisco could cozy up to the two biggest cities in Denmark: Copenhagen and Aarhus.
Copenhagen’s foremost sister city is Beijing, of all places. A main purpose of sister cities is to boost trade, but aligning with such a cheat and pariah — that intends to dump its cheap junk into the EU — is foolhardy. Prideful China brags about its ancient civilization, but most of the life-altering inventions and modern conveniences have originated in the West. Since the Danes relish California’s sunshine, perhaps relevant jurisdictions can facilitate a sister-city relationship between Copenhagen and Los Angeles.
As for Aarus, one of their sister cities is Kujalleq, in Greenland. That cannot stand. After we control Kujalleq, we should downplay vestiges of Danish influence, especially since Greenlanders just voted for their independence (something we can promise them in our federal system, or as an unincorporated territory). Instead, San Francisco may be a more suitable sister city. That ought to align with Danish progressive egalitarianism.
If that’s not enough to satisfy Denmark, there’s always Coachella to foster some socialist hygge. It’s a favorite spot of Bernie Sanders — the socialist is an avowed Nordophile, especially Denmark.
As a last resort before force, we could offer them a resort they covet — Disney World. Taking their Denmarkification mockery a step further, they wish to rename it “Hans Christian Andersenland.” Okay, Disney is wallowing in woke anyway, so we can surrender that in exchange for their Greenland acquiescence.
Denmark’s petition to buy California may be an example of their twisted humor, but President Trump is not kidding around. hina’s tariff retaliation (despite their huge trade surpluses), including banning Boeing aircraft deliveries and cutting off exports of rare earth minerals, adds even more impetus to extract from resource-laden Greenland (in addition to strategic considerations). Impossible is what we do best, so “drill, baby, drill” through the frozen tundra of our new Arctic-bound territory.
Image: Public domain.