It was a warm Wednesday morning when I pulled up to the restaurant to interview a man who had been in the news for many years. “Why this eatery?” I wondered before noticing the fading sign: senior breakfast special M-F. He waved at me when I entered. Ignoring the torn plastic upholstery, I slipped into the corner booth, eager to begin the interview.

Robin: Thank you for reaching out for an interview, but to be honest, I thought we would meet at a more upscale location.

Joe Biden: Well, this place has great senior prices during the week, and that means more money in my pocket for my library. Or to pay the electric bill.

Robin: Yes, it’s been in the news that you are not bringing in the money that you expected after leaving the White House.

Biden: Damn right, and that’s very wrong! It’s in the Constitution that after a president finishes serving, he is supposed to be paid insanely large speaking fees to say a few words while people eat chicken dinners.

Robin: Sir, you received a $10 million advance for your memoirs. The issue is that many people don’t think you can remember your four years in office.

Biden: Marlarkey! Everyone wants to hear what I have to say about being in the... Jill, where was I?

Jill Biden: You were in the White House.

Biden: That’s right, I was in the Wide House. By the way, who are you?

Robin: I am the editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free national weekly newsletter, and you called me asking for this interview.

Biden: Oh yeah, that’s right.

Waitress brings coffee.

Biden: Please pass the salt.

Robin: In your coffee?

Biden: Forget the salt, let’s talk about how I can make some money. Hunter has legal bills. Ashley just got divorced. My wife, Joan... no, I mean Jill, we owe $800,000 on our Delaware home. And our property taxes went up 20 percent this year.

Robin: With all due respect, sir, I never supported you and am not interested in providing suggestions on how you can make money now that you’re out of office.

Biden: You’re a dog face pony soldier! But that’s okay. I’ll get Hunter to make some paintings to sell on eBay.

Robin: Mr. President, you are not struggling like many Americans who suffered under your administration from inflation, crime, and illegal immigration. Between the presidency, vice presidency, and Senate, your pension is more than $400,000. Plus, you have a $10 million book deal... The fact is that people don’t want to hear you speak because you are quite forgetful.

Biden: Marlarkey! Excuse me, who did you say you are?

Robin: Even Democrats don’t want to hear what you have to say, unless it’s to announce who was really running the White House during your administration.

Biden: So, you think people want to hear about Corn Pop?

Jill Biden: Joe, don’t put so much salt in your coffee.

Robin: Maybe you need to lower expectations concerning your library.

Biden: Attorney Joe Morgan donated nearly $1 million to my re-election campaign, but now says he wants his money back. I might follow through with his suggestion of making the presidential library into a bookmobile.

Robin: A bookmobile would be interesting. What cities would you take it to?

Biden: Chicago, Los Angeles, Baltimore, New York... You know, places where they like me.

Robin: It will cost more to make the bookmobile bulletproof.

Biden: Then I will only go to Republican cities where there is less crime.

Robin: What do you miss most since leaving office?

Biden: Sniffing women’s and children’s hair.

Jill Biden: Joe means helping women and children stay on Medicare.

Biden: I beat Medicare.

Robin: Will you be attending President Barack Obama’s presidential library opening in the spring of 2026 in Chicago?

Biden: Yes, Barney and I are best friends. His library cost $850 million. My bookmobile will cost a lot less.

Robin: Sir, any thoughts about President Trump’s time in office so far? Certainly, there must be some things that he has done that you support.

Biden: He needs to be more self-evident, by the, you know the, you know, the thing.

Robin: Well, your administration held state dinners. Don’t you agree that a new, privately funded ballroom that will hold 650 people enhances the White House?

Biden: We had state dinners? Was I there?

Robin: Yes, sir, you and Mrs. Biden hosted them. No one can beat Americans when it comes to holding state dinners at the White House.

Biden: And I also beat Medicare. There’s too much salt in this coffee.

Robin: In retrospect, do you think you did anything poorly?

Biden: Walking up the stairs.

Robin: Anything else?

Biden: Walking down the stairs.

Robin: Anything else?

Biden: Walking on the Wide House lawn.

Robin: What do you wish you did better?

Biden: Well, uh, I wish I did something about poor kids. You know, poor kids are just as smart as white kids.

Robin: Sir, that is racist!

Biden: Then you ain’t black!

Robin: I am white.

Biden: That’s what I just said. You ain’t black!

Robin: Anything else about your presidency?

Biden: Look, kid, I was under a lot of pressure being in the Wide House, working two hours a day, finding my autopen, and having to remember which side of the stage to exit. Don’t give me any marlarkey. I am sure the Secret Service is pointing to the side of the stage that Trump needs to exit.

Robin: Do you have any favorite foreign leader whom you enjoyed working with?

Biden: Zelenskyy! After all, the guy helped me, helped my entire family too...

Jill Biden: Joe, I think it’s time to wrap up this interview.

Robin: Any closing thoughts, Mr. President?

Biden: God save the queen, man.

Robin: Well, thank you for your time.

Biden: Who are you again?

Image created using AI.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She is the founder and editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free weekly national newsletter. Robin can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.