It’s time once again for my all-time favorite, inadvertently hilarious, student writings.
One might be tempted to read these linguistic collisions and think America’s future is in doubt, but it’s not nearly that bad. Many, if not most, of these grammatical disasters were the result of smart kids pushing their vocabularies past their limits or unconsciously trying to combine three or more thoughts at the same time.
Rest assured, this generation is doing just fine. On to the fun:
So, You Like That, Then? “My favorite part is where King Creon and Antigone were arguing and he sentenced her to death. I would like to do more of these plays.”
Popular Themes In Theater: “The story [Antigone] was pretty good because it has people dying in it and a mean king.”
Uh, OK…Then in the 8th grade, I got on the A volleyball team and I was the only white girl. I loved it.
It Has? “Julius Caesar was killed by his best friend, Brutus. That sort of thing has happened to me.”
Actual School Announcement: “Just one brief announcement about Saturday School. If you need to be there…then you need to be there.”
Uh, Right…“The theme of ‘Roxanne’ is that someone that you are in love with might be cure, but the real people that love you are the ugliest person in the world.”
Aside From That: “The theme [of Cyrano DeBergerac] is a good plot of what might happen in life except the fact you may have a huge nose.”
Politics In Literature: “They are the biggest hicks I’ve ever heard or read about! These people are the one that the redneck jokes are made about! It only takes one person to influence them all. No offense, but they’re like Democrats!”
Ex Post Facto School Announcements: “Will the cheerleaders see Mrs. Smith in her room yesterday?”
Well, Yeah… “At one point in the book Huck and Jim sit on their raft naked. This calls for maturity and some reasoning.”
I Hate To Spoil Your Fun… “This is a fun class, even while you are learning.”
Huh? “Oh what sweet sorrow that we forever have forgotten now is just a little hum in the back of our head, like a tune that you do not know the words to and all is forgotten.”
Exactly Right: “I think the music in class had very understandable problems. Just like in country music.”
Most People? “’I’m almost at Detox when the moist, warm stench of kidney-filtered cheap wine fills the truck.’ This is the imagery that most people like to feel.”
This Just Might Be Your Problem… “That’s what I like about reading: there is no thinking involved.”
Graphic: Tiny-tim-dickens. Fred Barnard. Wikimedia Commons. Public Domain.
Mixed Metaphor Department: Tiny Tim can bring most of the audience to their knees trembling in pity, because he is a young sick boy with a good heart that is on the dark side of the world, and can only see the light.
So That’s What That Noise Is… “At my sixth birthday I got a drum set and I have been playing ever since. I played in church for five years and loved it. I am still playing the drums as I speak.”
Well, No Wonder Your Grade Is Low… “Usually I get really mad and eat my test [mandatory, high stakes test] and get in trouble.”
Tales Of Old Age: “…and this story is mainly about an elderly man (Scrooge) who is in his 30’s if not older…”
By Eating Them? “The pheasants were not educated at all and the churches took advantage of it.”
And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “It’s kind of sad that George ended up shooting Lennie in the end…”
Easily Amused: “The movie [Dr. Strangelove] was a little boring at first but it got better. I liked the part where he shot the Coke machine and the money spewed out. It was awesome!”
A Firm Grasp Of Statistics: “He says that when you use stereotypes you’re 100% correct. I don’t agree with him because 98% of the time a person is fully all the way correct.”
Real Learning: “I learned a few things from doing it. I can’t really tell you, but I know I learned something.”
My, You Are Sensitive, Aren’t You? “As a little girl and even now, I’ve been very emotional, so my parent’s spit was really difficult for me to handle.”
Real Progress: “Look at me a year ago. I was after one girl, Suzie Smith. Now I am after all of them.”
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Mike McDaniel is a USAF veteran, classically trained musician, Japanese and European fencer, life-long athlete, firearm instructor, retired police officer and high school and college English teacher. He is a published author and blogger. His home blog is Stately McDaniel Manor.