Boy, (oops, I apologize for using gendered language, this is all new for me) did I choose the wrong career path, here I’ve been working all these years. What a sucker I am!
I could have slapped on some makeup, jumped in a bathtub, and drank beer with the enthusiasm of a hyperactive chipmunk hopped up on cocaine and Starbucks… Instead, I traded in my back, hips, feet, and knees for peanuts!
The destroyer of Bud Light, who shall not be named, made more in ten minutes than I do in five years ($185,000.00)… for taking a bath with a beer while wearing a tiara!
I can bathe! I can lisp narcissistically! I can wear lipstick! I can act like a fool! I can drink beer! I can destroy a brand! I can buy a tiara! I can drive while painting my toenails and texting! I can blame all my shortcomings on the Patriarchy™!
I can be a narcissist! I can change my pronouns to “me, me, me”! I’ve already started… Just look at how much of this article is about me!
I can actually think of tangible benefits to using the ladies’ room—they are always cleaner than the men’s (or at least they were, until men started using them). I won’t like waiting though, and conversation in the bathroom will take some getting used to.
I can do influencer things too! I can use the word “literally” incorrectly and frequently! And I can like, use the word “like” incorrectly too… like literally like, all the time.
Now all that’s left is to decide what kind of girl I feel like I am. Am I a pretty girl? Or am I a liberal feminist? Or am I pretty/ugly fluid? Amazon literally has both styles of wig, so maybe I’ll be both!
Now for dresses, I wear a size 36. (Look at me, I’m already telling jokes only other women will get.)
And the best part? I live in Illinois! Land of the five-finger discount! I don’t have to pay for makeup as long as it’s less than $900!
I can do this! All the mirrors in my house will look like I’m observing Shiva… but I can always take a selfie on the iPhone if I need to check my look!
I’m not sure what being a girl feels like, but I absolutely know what being a capitalist feels like! (A million dollar trooper, super duper!) A boy, do I feel like getting some capital!
So I bid Nick Lopez goodbye, and welcome Imma B Rich into the world, as she/her starts she/hers lived Experience™! Now, with Authentictrueself™!
Funny how I suddenly realize I never really felt like a poor man, maybe I was a rich b***h this whole time! Boy (there I go with the gendered language again), was my gender incorrectly assigned!
So if your company is profitable and Blackrock owns 17% of the stock, call me. I guarantee that me promoting myself as a girl on behalf of your brand will make your company a victim. And isn’t that what your company really wants?